Fashion

Making The Middle-Aged Hot List

A few years ago, while building a humorous website targeted towards aging women, I filmed a short of myself trying on a pair of Spanx. I did it because I wanted to show our web developers that middle-aged women will do and share ridiculous things that celebrate a self deprecating appreciation of growing old. I really didn’t think it was that funny, but our 20-30 something developers thought it was hysterical. In fact, they encouraged me to launch the website with it. “No one will know it’s you” they promised…except of course, my friends who announced things like, “You’ve got balls sister” ,“Are you outta your mind?” and “What kind of hormones are you on?

Needless to say, we launched the site with MySpanx as our opening video feature and Kaboom, my ass went around the world. It really wasn’t the kind of share I expected. When I landed on a Danish car building site, I thought that having some “power-in-the-tank” was really misinterpreted, but that’s what happens when you release something on the internet for the public to see.

The true highlight came when BuzzFeed picked it up. I found out about the link when I received a panicked phone call from my daughter at work.

MY DAUGHTER: OMG Mom, YOU’RE ON BUZZ FEED! YOU MADE THE HOTLIST!

ME: Whaat?

MY DAUGHTER: YOU’RE BUTT HAS GONE VIRAL. I’M SENDING YOU THE LINK.

ME: Whaat?

MY DAUGHTER: You’re 7th on a list of 40 SIGNS YOU’RE ALMOST 40!

ME: Almost 40? I’m NORTH OF 50.

MY DAUGHTER: Who cares? You already have over a million hits!

I wanted to get excited about all the hits but truthfully, I just wanted to thank the BuzzFeed editor who deducted a decade.

Taking The Pledge

When I was little, this was dress-up of the highest order. With nary a rank, and absolutely no earned badges whatsoever, my six-month brownie stint made me feel like I was a world leader. Where else at the age of seven could you get a pseudo military outfit like that?

There was something very “Princess Grace” about those gloves and I remember that you had to wear them when taking the pledge or posing for troop pictures. This was the closest I ever got to the “service” and was probably my most favorite uniform (Isaly’s Ice Cream, not withstanding.)

Speaking of pledges, for all you nostalgia buffs, here it is:

On my honor, I will try:
To serve God and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law.

I take my pledges very seriously as you can see by the expression on my face. Thank goodness this one emphasized the word try. 

Leave It To Cleavage

I was a big sun worshiper in my early years and as a result, my skin has some really weird things going on now that I am trying to correct.

Enter the peel.

I signed up for a series of facial peels that included a little instrument designed to get rid of “age spots”. I’m not sure what its called, but it looks like a pen and it fires a heat blast that burns the surface of the blemish. After a few days, it turns brown and then peels off and brand new skin takes its place. Your face looks a little beat up when the spots turn brown…almost as if you picked your skin with a furniture riveter, so you have to be careful about your social schedule when you do it because the healing process can draw unwanted attention to your face. (Anyone who does anything to her face knows what I’m talking about). So, if you have a busy schedule, it’s hard to find the perfect time to do it. Truth be told, there is no perfect time so sometimes you just have to GO FOR IT… but keep in mind the 3-day recovery.

The last time I did it, my 3-day recovery turned to 5 and I was left with the crusty spots and my friend’s big surprise birthday dinner in the city. OMG… I tried every bit of make-up I could get my hands on but nothing seemed to cover it well enough.

I called my esthetician at home in tears. “I look like I have small pox” I cried, “What can I do?” Like a calm psychiatrist, she simply said, “Show cleavage”. “ Lot’s of good cleavage and trust me, no one will be looking at your face”.

Best advice ever. Not once did anyone say anything about my unsightly spots. They did however; wonder if I had a boob job.